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How not to bring up a conformist, or how to not break character by teaching you how to break the rules?

How not to bring up a conformist, or how to not break character by teaching you how to break the rules?


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How to persuade a child (and also an adult) to respect sensible rules? Especially a teenage child, biologically determined to break existing rules completely without relation to their legitimacy and sense? Difficult, not impossible, so worth attention, the more that the same applies to quite adult people, because we all feel like occasionally to bypass, bend or simply exceed the applicable standards. At the same time, I personally think that straight-crossing is better than circumvention, bending and other vague maneuvering, which testifies to not having your own beliefs and - for balance - to have a unique tendency to twist and deception.

It will be subjective, even very much. However, something whispers to me that it is not without reason.

Principle recognized as own = principle respected?

Because it is like that. For a principle to be honestly (not through conformism, convenience, willingness to please and future profit - it's worse than the plague), it must be respected in its heart (however naively it sounds) recognized. That she should be recognized as her own - and in her heart - she should not, and by no means it cannot be imposed from above. A rebellious teenager will reject her from the top, without going into the nuances (whether good or bad rule he will not wonder), his axioms just do not interest, because they do not. Also, they are not interested in most adults, but with adults there is the problem that for all sorts of benefits (and because I have to earn, and because I can't lose my job, and why do I need problems, and only stupid people leaning etc., etc.) devote the most sincerely professed values ​​and explain this resignation with "higher" values. Not without reason, otherwise half of us would go hungry and homeless, but with our heads up. But this is a much more complex problem and I am too stupid to discuss such dilemmas at all.

The teenager will not accept anything imposed from above

It came about that the teenager would not accept anything imposed from above, not even the most accurate. And rightly so. And why right? Because this is a man who (due to the lack of economic dependence on others) can afford quite justified suspicions that one should not passively give in to other people's orders that one should make independent choices (this is taught at this age) and - moreover - that one should assert and investigate the reasonsfor which orders and standards have been introduced. But knowing the reasons alone is not enough for him to adopt standards, he knows that these reasons should then be analyzed and evaluated. And only then - possibly - consider them to be right, and therefore their own, and in normal life to respect. Simple? Like a wire! In any case, for a teenager who is characterized by quite adult thinking and at the same time a complete lack of so-called adult conditions, which are the conditions that force us to give up many principles recognized as legitimate, and respect the remaining few with a heart full of fear. A teenager does not have to earn, no one will dismiss him from work, parents will always give him a bed and a wash and a roof over his head. At most, he quarrels with his friend (adults also argue despite conformism), at most they consider him a freak at school (well, some adults also have it) or lower his behavior (if they stupidly set the rules - which means that these rules do not apply to matters important for the good of man, and only satisfy the self-love of norm-setting bodies). In his (teenager's) opinion, the effects can be really painful, but from the parent's perspective, he will have a soft landing anyway. Which of course we'll provide him. Such a role - social :)

The above reasoning may be lengthy, but I can't do it for a shorter time, and because the devil is in the details (that is, when distorting the details distorts the sense of the whole), so I want to express precisely what in my mind did not look so "long". It's hard. I started, I will finish.

How not to bring up a conformist, or how to not break character by teaching you how to break the rules?

It was theoretically, now there will be a bit of "know-how", because I have accumulated a lot of home and professional experience, except that I will immediately point out that what I figured out are mostly conclusions learned from educational (private and professional) failures, but also that I have practiced these conclusions and, without boasting, hint, not with the worst effect, so here is:

The only axiom we can and should afford is that the principle of the right of everyone to be treated well. I deliberately put it this way to avoid high-flung phrases like "you should be good" for everyone. Some people react allergically to such high-flownness, regardless of whether they agree with the wording or not. We approach from the other side - from the side of teenager's rights, about which everyone (not just a teenager) is particularly sensitive, if not hypersensitive. Well, it is hard to disagree with the right to be treated well, even the most violently contesting teenager, even if he denied himself that he did not want to be treated well. I know such works of art, today they are grown up :) We do not believe it! :) He will not admit to anything in the world that he is ashamed to admit that he wants to be treated well.

Since we have made the right of every member of the group (family, class, school community) to be well treated, the basis for deriving all later, more detailed rules, now is the time for rules. Who invents them? Who's proposing? Who determines? And what do they really relate to? About this next time :)

We invite you to the next part here.