Small child

How to control your rage, or anger at children that no one talks about

How to control your rage, or anger at children that no one talks about


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Polish mother perfect does not get angry with children, does not shout, does not punish, does not beat. She decided to give birth to a child, she is patient and does not get carried away. A typical superman who carries more than he can carry - this is the pattern of virtues that we love and which we create with careless articles, stereotypes, and media reports. We applaud this perfection and suppress all signs of "humanity" - we are the most to ourselves strict reviewers.

Lack of consent to parental anger and frustration brings great threats. It causes us to accumulate feelings that accumulate and suddenly explode in such a way that we cannot control ourselves. We lose control over our body and head, we do things that we are ashamed of later, we apologize. In extreme situations there is a tragedy ...

Proposal? The simplest and most obvious is that it is impossible not to be angry with children. It is impossible. Instead of chasing human reflexes, it's better learn how to manage emotions effectively.

You have to allow yourself unpleasant feelings, allow yourself to express your dissatisfaction, show children that you are a man of flesh and blood. One who is angry and who shows by his example how to deal with anger, while allowing others to do the same.

Defensive reaction

Every parent is angry with his child from time to time. It's natural, it's a very original defensive response against which is a threat to us. Anger is a combination of three other feelings: fear, sadness and disappointment. There are a lot of reasons, or rather factors that favor it:

  • haste,
  • financial worries
  • excessive expectations of the environment,
  • trouble at work,
  • sense of insufficient time.

Every day we feel good as a parent. Unfortunately, sometimes there are such moments that we boil over internally and we read every signal to the detriment of the child. We think: what right is he so ungrateful, unfair, stubborn and tenacious? I sacrifice so much, I try so hard, and he repays me so much? What have I deserved for this behavior ...? These are the most common thoughts that appear in the heads of parents who feel sadness, disappointment and fear, or anger.

The child can contribute to your reactions, nervousness, stress and real rage. However, it is not responsible for them. You, regardless of the external situation, should control your own reactions. This does not mean that your child will never upset you, because it will probably happen so many times. The key, however, is to plead guilty and apologize for your own behavior. In addition, continuous work is necessary. Not only over the child, but also over himself.

Why can children really make us angry?

They evoke the greatest emotions close people in us. No one can upset like a mother, father ... or child.

Psychologists describe this phenomenon very vividly: "Kindergarten ghosts", children evoke and remind us of emotions from the past. They reach to deeply forgotten areas of our psyche, discover everything that has not been resolved in the past, reveal all our shortcomings, and this process is very much painful and frustrating. Also because we are inevitably noticing that we are beginning to repeat the mistakes of our own parents, the same from which we wanted so much to escape. It is also worth discovering a challenge in this: parenting works healing, allows you to win against demons from the past. This is a chance to solve problems that still exist, though they remain forgotten.

Childhood fears and rage are often so overwhelming that we may have trouble dealing with them as adults as well.

What happens when you scream for a child?

Research shows that when a parent expresses anger in an uncontrolled way, he is carried away, the child is more recalcitrant and "rude". A toddler who often sees a dissatisfied, bad parent is more likely to repeat a known pattern.

One of the worse, though fortunately not the worst, ideas for expressing anger is screaming.

What do you feel when someone yells at you? For example, when is the person you love, say, husband? Now imagine that a person twice as big on whom you are 100% dependent, whom you love and believe in every word of her, yells at you that you accept everything she says without reflection. Multiply it by 1000, you will feel like a child.

The child who is shouting is vulnerable. He feels lost, rejected, does not cope with his own emotions and is overwhelmed by the anger of his beloved person - a parent.

This does not mean, of course, that the occasional cry of mom or dad will leave a lasting mark on the toddler's psyche. However, you must realize that as an adult you need to control the expression of feelings and express your anger in such a way as not to hurt the child. Anger in itself is terrifying for a child, when we add to this insults, blackmail, threatening and other unpleasant tools that the parent uses, it gets rude.