When my child behaves badly, I know I should look at myself

When my child behaves badly, I know I should look at myself

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To write this article I was inspired by the commentary of one of our readers, Monika. Here he is: "There is a saying: the child sees - the child does. That's the truth. Very often, listening to the conversations of my children, I hear my own words, I see similar gestures, reactions. When they are good - I am very happy. When bad - this is a signal for me: improve, mother! To tell the truth, always when we notice with my husband that our child (or both) is starting to behave worse - we find that it is a problem with us. Either we are too busy or nervous or present only with the body. Always when we correct our behavior - the children's behavior improves automatically. The truth is uncomfortable and very helpful in everyday struggles. "Should the causes of most of a child's bad behavior really be sought in ourselves?

The child wants to be good

No one who has ever learned a bit of psychology will deny the obvious claim - the child wants to be good, wants to be loved and accepted.

When it is small, of course, there are no adequate mechanisms that will allow it to meet all the expectations of a parent. And that's fine! A child is a separate entity that has its own needs and opinions from the earliest moments of life. Therefore, the parent should accept this fact and verify their often excessive requirements. Which does not mean that he should leave the child alone, according to the principle, let the toddler decide for himself. The parent's role is to lead the child through good example and support.

In the process of growing up, the child naturally tests parental patience, and actually checks what is allowed and what should not be done. He often repeats the same actions with persistence of a maniac, bends reality to check whether parental rules are valid in every situation, or maybe when the conditions change, they cease to apply?

It is the parent's role to show the child what is good. It is the parent who, above all, a good example, but also in a word, should guide the child. This parental challenge is consistent behavior and showing that what is easy is not always good and what it means to behave properly.

At home, the child learns how to treat others. He learns the rules of behavior, learns kindness, is sensitized to the needs of others. It is at home that cultural norms are instilled in him and empathy is educated.

Learning all this is not a straight path. A child often has to fall over to get up. Mistakes and errors are natural, which allow certain rules to be learned immediately. The parent should not blame himself for these painful experiences. And let alone hurt the child, earnestly removing all obstacles from under his feet. Doing so paradoxically, it sends a signal to a child - you are weak, you can't do it, that's why I will protect you with all my strength.

Science must be painful sometimes. You can't escape it.

Work on yourself

On the other hand, it's easy to draw absurd conclusions after reading this article. Therefore, it is worth emphasizing that pthe above words should not be misunderstood. Namely, in this way that every child's mistake is the result of a parent's incompetence. Because, as it was written above, mistakes are a valuable lesson for a child, which a daughter or son cannot be deprived of.

Undoubtedly, however, how long and persistently the child wanders greatly depends on the parent.

A good psychologist working on the child's disturbing behaviors also invites parents to talk. I propose family therapy. For a simple reason - parents are inseparable from their children. Their anxieties, stress, problems, even those strongly hidden, penetrate the children. In the same way we pass on to the next generation fears, limitations, certain mental shortcuts and ways of perceiving the world.

It's quite frightening and uncomfortable consciousness. However, you need to have knowledge about it. Not to indulge in guilt, but to treat a child's upbringing as a journey during which not only our little daughter or little son changes, but above all ourselves.