Pregnancy / Childbirth

It was supposed to be a boy ... I dreamed of a girl, or profession related to the sex of the child

It was supposed to be a boy ... I dreamed of a girl, or profession related to the sex of the child



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We say "so long as it is healthy", but often from the first days of pregnancy we think of "little dot" as a beloved daughter or son. Should one chase such thoughts and not allow oneself to create a vision of playing with a child of a certain sex until we know the child's sex? Can such fantasizing be dangerous?

Joanna Serewa: The situation of each parent is very individual and I am far from generalizations, I believe that the answer to each of the following questions should be considered in the context of a specific parent, specific situation, then it is easier to understand and make sense advice. But if ...

You should not chase yourself for such thoughts, but it is worth being careful and record them. There is nothing wrong with imagining the specific sex of a child - as long as the parent is aware that this is just imagining, checking, preparing in some way for a future role.

At this stage, the parent in their imagination can "check" how they think they will behave in specific situations - how it can be when the child is born. It is worth remembering, however, that these are only imaginations that a child may be completely different from the imagined one (usually it is so!), That his sex may also be different. Therefore, it is worth checking at this stage - what would it be like if a child of the opposite sex was born - what thoughts and feelings appear in the parent. Is any vision more comfortable?

If the vision of a child of a different sex raises discomfort or reluctance in a parent - it's worth checking their origin, and the reasons can be very different ... And here you should delve into the personal history of the person. Her family situation, her childhood, relationships with her parents, later experiences that shaped her identity. For example, a parent may have the idea that raising a child of a given sex is more difficult than raising a child of the other sex and may be afraid that they will fail, then they will feel fear and reluctance to confront such a situation.

In every family there are some ideas about what femininity and masculinity are, which are passed down from generation to generation, certain concepts of what girls are and what boys are like. Depending on the content, there may be some "systemic" gender preferences.

Added to this is the parent's personal history, his personal experiences related to the shaping of personal identity, sexual identity, sometimes unhealed wounds associated with this process, and therefore - fears, prejudices or assessments related to raising a child of a given sex. All this can affect the choice of "preferences" for a child. In the process of reaching such unconscious views and messages, we can free ourselves from erroneous beliefs and look at the child more soberly, and what is behind it - establish better and deeper contact with him.

What about so-called premonitions? Women often feel that their daughter or son will be born. Do our guesses say something more about ourselves, about our desires? If we feel like a boy, does it just mean that we want a boy?

J.S: And this should be checked again in the context of a given person, because all these situations are imaginable. There are women who have good contact with their body and are able to read the signals flowing from it. This contact with the body and skilful reading of what is happening inside and around is often called "intuition". Some women intuitively know what the sex of the child will be.
But some women instead of intuition, are guided by their desire to have a child of a certain sex. And this desire can arouse strong feelings, which some women will call "intuition".

There are many expectations and stereotypes associated with the sex of a child ... For example, it is said that men want a son to be able to play football with him, go to matches, and women want a daughter whom they will understand better. Is it so that we design our own problems in this regard? Do we duplicate certain stereotypes? Nobody will forbid playing daddy's ball with two daughters ...

J.S: Every child needs both parents, because each parent gives their child something special. Of course, the needs of girls and boys are usually different, but each parent gives the child something that he needs for development. It is natural that the father wants to convey to his son what is close to him as a man, which is the essence of his masculinity, and the woman wants to convey to her daughter what is close to her as a woman, which is the essence of her femininity. But girls on their path of female development also need a father, a male model, and boys need a mother, a female model. And here the challenge for many parents is - how to be the model, what I can give my daughter as a father, how to be a father to her so that she can grow in her femininity, and what I, as a mother - can give my son - how to tell him feminine values ​​in such a way that he can grow more fully in his manhood.